Are you looking for a job? Maybe you're just psychically adrift in this wonderfully complex world. If so, you need a grand enterprise to lift the malaise from your shoulders. Despair no longer. Exciting opportunities exist in the world of real fantasy (or is that fantasy reality, no matter). Join the march to wealth and fame (or, at the very least, comfort and acceptance), and cast off the shackles of the working world by becoming an entrepreneur. Your future awaits in a field as relevant and alive as the memories of our long dead heroes. You need nothing to begin with except the power of your mind and the courage to accept a challenge. A million times a day, in every corner of the world, this path is a proven success. Jump on the bandwagon; reap a whirlwind of potential with no expiry date. Read on and enter your new life.

The first requirement on this journey is expertise. Don’t despair if it sounds technical or difficult. It doesn’t have to be. Let’s say, for instance, you are a fan of Crystals, Tarot Cards, Palm Reading or, one of my all time favorites, Distance Healing; like a bolt from the blue all of the sudden you “discover” that your grandmother was the last in a long line of Gypsy princesses and your grandfather the only surviving son of a powerful Native Shaman – and that their lovechild daughter, your mother, during her impetuous youth, travelled to Nepal and spent her formative years in a monastery high above Katmandu studying the ancient healing arts passed down through a select group of Master Healers, (not to be confused with Blue Heelers, which are an excellent cattle dog). While there she first encountered your father, a treasure hunter and adventure seeker, on a mission to find porous stones reputed to be from the fabled Fountain of Youth. These stones were believed to contain the pure essence of life as they filtered the sacred waters of the Fountain for thousands of years. Alas, we know not if he found them but he did find the adoration of a beautiful, if somewhat flakey, young woman. As a result, you, of course, being the direct descendant of this far-flung, spirit-laden, exotic joining, have become the ultimate repository of esoteric knowledge – and an exalted guide to the ancient mysteries of the netherworld. Only a pudgy, bald, old, skeptic (perhaps a poor choice of words) would dare entertain doubts as to your authenticity?

Now that you have established credentials, the second thing you need is truth. We’re not talking objective truth here like the kind science is looking for. We’re talking "television" truth. The kind where famous celebrities relate awe-inspiring anecdotes containing real events, which they personally witnessed, and which could only have occurred under the influence (perhaps another poor choice of words) of shadowy forces from outside the physical world… all of this happening while an audience sits breathless with incredulity, bobbing their heads, delighted at being given the opportunity to participate in such a ground breaking lifetime event. Who would dare presume to suggest that an award winning actor or renowned politician was anything but sincere in their pronouncements? Didn’t you see the tremble of their hand, hear the crack of their voice, or watch the tears glide slowly down their cheek? How crude and unmannerly to imply that the aforementioned events wouldn’t survive dispassionate scrutiny. Such truth is beneath questioning.

Expending time and energy convincing people that forces exist in nature, beyond the purview of science, is easier than giving puppies to children. Every religion in the world teaches you that in the absence of evidence (perhaps even in spite of it) you must rely on faith. Just doubting the existence and power of spirits can condemn you to an eternity burning in the fires of Hell (wherever that is). We grow up badgered, bullied, and cajoled into believing all manner of strange, unexplainable events, people walking on water and rising from the dead, Holy Ghosts, and virgins having babies.

Is it any wonder some of the most important decisions in our lives are made based on “signs” or “good vibes” and, yet, those silly scientists tell us to ignore all of this in favor of something called empirical evidence or rational choice. What kind of life would that be? Science denies there is even such a thing as luck. If that were true who would ever buy a lottery ticket. Do you know that dogs are now being trained to find cancer? They can smell it, especially skin, prostate and cervical cancers. Hundreds of years of scientific research and billions of dollars invested in infrastructure, and now we are being told that for a dog biscuit and a pat on the head we can diagnose our deadly diseases. Science is just one great conspiracy.

At the same time, riveting and dramatic evidence fills our libraries and overflows onto our cable channels, vividly detailing the legions of individual spirits roaming the earth – and all, apparently, in search of communication with the living. We simply have to open our ears to their call. The spirits are anxious to enlighten us with their truths, and duty bound to inform us of past injustice and future danger. Why shut them out? Why deny their existence when an open mind will give us the secrets of the universe? Through human mediums, prayer, meditation, (even Ouija Boards) we forge connections and gain peace and knowledge – but only through a psychic guide can we be certain our search isn’t in vain. Only with one who commands the language can we open the lines of communication and truly fulfill our spiritual needs… and never will our lives be complete if we fail to do so. It is really this easy folks, and the only thing easier than stringing a line of this horsepucky is finding “clients” who believe it.

If spirits aren’t in your comfort zone perhaps technology can be your shtick. Great opportunities exist in the fog of pseudoscience. Never in history was the saying, “They know so little they think they know it all,” more relevant or applicable. In a complex, fast-changing world most of us learn just enough to create confusion. For example: Did you know that our bodies run on electricity? Each time we make even the slightest movement it’s triggered by an electrical charge sent from our brains, along nerves, activating individual muscle fibres. Our bodies, like the bodies of all living things, are continuously running mini generators, using electrical energy to power all of our diverse systems. As a result, electromagnetic fields surround every living thing with halos of energy. Special cameras can photograph it. And this energy radiates outward and joins with the halo’s of others to form a great maelstrom of invisible, vibrating ions. If one could but harness this energy and refocus it to maintain a positive state of electromagnetic balance no deadly disease would ever wreak its havoc again – and all you need are these magnets or, perhaps, these crystals or, if you want absolute certainty, these special herbs grown in ionized soil and hand-ground by the granddaughter of a gypsy princess using porous stones secretly taken from the Fountain of Youth…

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, seek your fortune in a field as old as human existence. Take on the best in a world where gurus, positivists, transcendentalists, and astrologers mingle with priests, homeopaths, chiropractors, and acupuncturists in a never-ending struggle to reach that holy grail of achievement, Master of the Fog, Visionary of the Void, Prophet of Profit, and Cure for All that Ails You. Learn to balance the flow of energy in your client’s bodies, cleanse their organs with mystical herbs, seek wisdom for them through communication with the long departed, then elevate them to the astral-plane. Take your clients beyond the boundaries of physical existence to a place where they will forever enjoy the ecstasy of Nirvana. All of this while you bravely sacrifice your youth and vitality by remaining in the shallow, physical world of peach flambé, steamy sexuality, and single malt whiskey, enduring a life of hardship to aid those less fortunate in fulfilling their spiritual needs. Perhaps one day the world will truly recognize and understand the depth of your commitment.